The dust has finally settled, and it's time to announce the winner of Jake Lloyd's Duel of the Fists. Did Jason "The Beat" Ward lay a slaphappy beating on Viral "Raw" Hide? Or did Viral rise to the occasion and slapchop Jason to emerge victorious? Discover what made Parking Lot Celebration the hottest outdoor ticket in town after the jump. Slap that mouse or screen, before we do it for you!
Unfortunately Jason "The Beat" Ward never showed up to the slap fight at the allotted timeslot. As the clock kept ticking, Viral got bored and was ready to return home to parts unknown. But, the crowd was hungry for a slappening! They came to witness a slapfight and goddammit, someone had to get slapped!
At that point Jake Lloyd stepped into the ring and declared Viral the winner by default. Viral strapped the championship belt around his waist and the crowed chanted for him to remove his helmet in victory! "Raw" Hide was a crowd pleaser so he removed his mask and to our surprise another mask was underneath. We could have been a little high at this point because Comrade J. Red claimed Viral's head was like a "Siberian nesting doll" as there was yet another mask under the second, and other, and another! Everyone grew tired of Viral's helmet charade so he returned to the Viral-mobile and drove out into the horizon.
Jake was alone in the ring watching Viral cruise away until Ahmed Best and Aaron Paul hopped in. The crowd still wanted a slapfight so they performed an original "slap skit" based on their favorite comedic trio, the Three Stooges. There was slapping, eye-pokes, punches, hair-pulling, the whole nine yards! The crowd was pleased with their performance.
A little while later, Daniel Logan and the boys from Slave One Direction showed up ready to perform their concert. They led the masses in a top-notch musical quest. They performed about five songs until Josh Trank rolled up in a beat up Ford Ranger. Jake spotted him and harassed the director for showing up late. Apparently they had something huge planned!
Trank announced the beer has arrived! Best and Paul hopped to it and unloaded 8 beer kegs from the back of Trank's rust bucket. The real madness began here. Everyone that was anyone arrived on the scene including Floyd Mayweather, Betty White, Oscar Isaac's uncle who dubbed himself Krunkle Isaac, and a couple of white dudes we didn't recognize but apparently were Betty's "escorts."
The Parking Lot Celebration really "turnt up" as folks were passing out left and right. After doing dozens of shots with Josh Trank, Sheevel was plastered and began swimming in one of the inflatable pools from NinJar Warrior. Above is a photo of Trank, faceplanted on the ground after 7 rounds of drunken Ewok tossing using none other than Warwick Davis.
A group of cosplayers showed up a short time later, including this Boomboxtrooper, a bulky Boba Fett, several chicks in Leia slave bikinis, and a Kylo Ren with a huge head. Mayweather disappeared into a Port-o-John for what seemed like 3 hours, only to emerge wearing John Boyega's Finn costume from The Force Awakens exhibit inside the convention center. He continually made "stressed out" faces and poured water on his face to appear "sweaty" as Boyega did in the past two teaser trailers.
Betty White got Comrade J. Red so drunk, she had one of her "escorts," who daytimes as a tattoo artist, to draw up this monstrosity on poor Comrade's thigh. Eventually we were all pretty out of it and Comrade, Sheevel, and myself woke up in a jail cell shared with a still passed out Lloyd, Best, and Paul. The next stall over contained Mayweather, the bulky Boba Fett, and Bob Saget. We don't even remember Saget being at the Parking Lot Celebration but he kept mumbling out a "fuller house" and how the Olsen twins are too "bangin'" to be his daughters now.
We sat in the cell for only a few hours until Daniel Logan walked in and the guard let us and the Brat Pack out. Apparently Daniel paid our bail and we were turned loose. We returned to parking lot 94 to find everything trashed and destroyed. Imagine Jakku except replace the downed Star Destroyer with a giant keg. We found our respective graffitied vans and departed the drunken wasteland. We shared a gas station food breakfast with Lloyd, Best, and Paul and got a little more info on Justice Force Unlimited but we're not allowed to say anything until they give the okay.
We want to give our interns a shout out for keeping Faking Star Wars going while we recovered from our own version of The Hangover over the past few days and a big thanks to our readers and Twitter followers. We do this for you guys, the nerds and the fans.
Keep on faking!
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