Top 10 Things That Are Killing Supreme Commander Snoke

Last week's big reveal of Andy Serkis in motion capture gear (shocker!!) had us pretty excited. Not for the picture of a middle-aged dork in electrode pajamas (we see lots and lots of those on tinder, swipe left) but for the much sexier details involving the character's name and backstory.

Serkis will be playing Supreme Commander Snoke in Star Wars: The Force Awakens... you can see why we're excited as the jokes write themselves. It has also been revealed that Snoke is slowly dying of a mysterious illness... but what could possibly be ailing his Highness?!

After researching The Supreme Commander's Guide to Health & Wellness First Order Edition, we've put together the most scientifically inaccurate reasons ol' Snokey bones ain't looking too hot. So pull up a chair because we're about to get all CSI medical examiner on The Artist Formerly Known As Uber.

Two dozen mocaps in the ass, which he took at very close range

Prequelitis

Long-term depression due to the loss of his prized Snokemobile during the Battle of Jakku

Kylo Ren's gothic wardrobe

Allergic reaction to a cyborg implant in a very senstive sector of his junkyard

Supreme addiction to Snokaine

A broken heart made of stained glass windows depicting the 12 stations of the Sith cross based on the final hours of The Chosen One

Same thing that ate Gilbert Grape

Non-stop hoarding that began with a few Darth Vader relics but has grown to include every last piece of scrap metal he can find; he has even gone as far as to weld some of the intergalactic debris and bric-a-brac onto his face

Lethal strain of Sheev envy