Exclusive: Luke Skywalker at Center of Jedi Academy Ponzi Scheme

We’ve known Luke Skywalker would be in hiding for most of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. People have speculated the Jedi Master may be protecting a tomb, or being held hostage. Some fans even believe Luke has withdrawn from the world in order to ensure his own god-like powers are never used for evil. All of these theories have made for great fodder to bide the time, but none of them are accurate. At last, FSW has been given the green light to share a scoop we’ve been sitting on, and once and for all, explain Luke’s absence. 

Discover the real reason why the galaxy’s last Jedi Master is on the lam below.

After the events of Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker found himself in a challenging position. As the last Jedi Master in existence, an immense responsibility fell upon his shoulders. He would have to rebuild the Jedi Order from scratch in order to protect the future of the Galactic Republic.

So Luke visited the former home of the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV. He scouted the location and swept the place clean. Upon mopping the stone floors of sub-basement 5G, however, Luke felt a great disturbance come over him. A long dead Sith began to speak to him psychically. This master of evil took over Luke’s body and led him to several war chests in a back corner of sub-basement 6G.

Artist rendering of the Sith lord who possessed Luke

The disembodied voice in Luke’s head forced him to open the trunks labeled TRADE FEDERATION LOANS and CORUSCANT SUCKERS’ LIFE SAVINGS. As soon as Luke touched the chests, his eyes began to glow green and he was consumed by pure greed. The Sith master no longer had to speak to Luke psychically for they were now one and the same.

The Balance of the Force acc. to Luke

The new top-hat wearing evil Luke would do anything to line his coffers. First, he used the 7 billion in credits within the chests to finance an opulent Jedi Academy. Exotic stones and opulent rugs were brought in from all over the galaxy. Luke then began recruiting students, targeting only the most well-to-do families. He promised that any Padawan – no matter how pigeon-toed, midichlorian-deficient, or otherwise physically, emotionally, or mentally challenged – would become a full-fledged Jedi knight within 4 years or be entitled to a full credit-back refund. (All for the small fee of 5 million credits for 4 years and room and board.)

"Jedi Knights" battling on a sabacc court

 For 30 years, Luke effectively fleeced families of their college funds. His fraud was far-reaching and very well thought out, likely due to the influence of the evil Sith lord within him.

0 midichlorians in this photo

He created fake Padawan braids out of bantha fur, used his own Force powers to ensure every student passed their final field tests every semester. As for lightsabers, Luke did not use precious Khyber crystals. Instead, he had a small factory of underage Neimoidians manufacture neon glow sticks. These “lightsabers” hummed and glowed like the real McCoy, but would break if hit against something with even the slightest force. Ironically enough, Luke convinced his Padawans this was a “wizard” thing, because they could now try on a multitude of lightsaber colors.

Luke swimming in gold

Luke’s Ponzi scheme would have gone on endlessly if not for a visit from his sister, Queen Leia Organa Solo. She had come to check on the progress of her children within the Academy (who were enjoying the Friends & Family “discounted” tuition of 20 million credits for 4 years) and noticed they could hardly tie their shoes let alone perform a Force push or Jedi mind trick. This horrified her as they were 18 years of age, and likely be unemployable upon graduation. Leia let Luke know of her concerns, and he promised her he would look into the curriculum and fill in gaps to provide a more well-rounded Jedi education.

Leia's children "playing" Jedi

 Another lie.

As soon as Leia left, Luke set fire to his opulent Jedi Academy in hopes of destroying evidence of his money laundering, and collecting on a 100 trillion credit fire insurance policy he had recently taken out on the structure.

Arson is the path to a huge payday

Since that unfortunate night, which claimed the lives of 25 fake Padawan learners and 13 fake Jedi Knights, no one has seen hide nor hair of Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. He is currently the Most Wanted Man in the Galaxy. Luke has sported a beard on and off again to throw authorities off his scent. Apparently, even force ghosts cannot find him as Yoda has had no luck.

Top hat-wearing Luke in the shadows

Skywalker’s Jedi Academy Ponzi scheme is the single largest fraud in the galaxy’s history, certainly the worst crime committed by a Jedi since Emperor Palpatine’s manipulation of the Galactic Senate, which resulted in state-approved genocide under Order 66. 

A known associate of Luke Skywalker's

While Luke may have bilked families and governments out of trillions, his greatest crime is far more costly. As a result of his actions, there are thousands of “Jedi Knights” out there in the galaxy who still believe they are force sensitive despite not being very athletic or possessing midichlorians. Imagine an entire generation of protectors of peace and justice running around with plastic sticks trying to do backflips. They are as much a danger to themselves as they are to us.

More of Luke Skywalker's "Jedi" victims

There is a bright side to Luke’s downfall though. This new galaxy sets the stage for Rian Johnson’s Episode VIII, which will have many parallels to his own Looper film. In Looper, many people had “magic” abilities, which ranged from telekinesis to “3 Card Monte”, but you never knew who was faking or not. Exactly like our fake Jedi Knights running amok in the galaxy, thanks to Luke’s Ponzi Scheme. 

A fake magician from Rian Johnson's Looper

There you have it. In the end, the Luke you and I know and love will technically die in The Force Awakens, only to be replaced by a greedy swindler. The green lightsaber was no accident. 

B**tch Better Have My Money!