Ask Sheev: The Force Awakens Trailer Edition!

It’s been a hot minute since The Emperor fielded questions, and he’s more than a bit miffed at us for taking our sweet time. Our master has forgiven us, and we’ve promised to double our efforts in combing through his fan mail. So, without further ado, we bring you the latest advice from Sheev Palpatine on all things related to the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer.

Dear Steve,

I’ve heard that the new Star Wars trailer will arrive on Monday just before tickets go on sale. This has me greatly dismayed as I foresee a potential communications disruption, which can only mean one thing: Invasion. Do you have any advice on how best I can acquire tickets in the event that Space Vikings loot cinemas and online box offices, leaving no tickets for people like me?

Thanks, S. Bibble

Dear Sith Bibble,

Rise my friend. I have foreseen no such invasion upon your pitiful surroundings. You are quite safe in that regard. Tickets shall be plentiful. Alas to be certain, have your associate Captain Typo secure 6,000 tickets, one for you, and 5,999 for your little Queen and her clones. Do you think I am unaware that she hides behind handmaidenry? It was I who sent those dead eyed wenches to her. It was I who convinced them that serving your mouse of a Queen was a good career move. Ta-ta, Bible. Perhaps I shall be in the cinema next to you. That would be quite the disruption. Would it not?

Dear Sheev,

Is it true we’ll be able to see the new trailer before the Tom Hanks film, Bridge of Spies?

Sincerely, BosomBuddy69

Dear BusBoy66,

You are gravely mistaken. There will be no trailer attached to anything involving that dough-faced minstrel Thomas Hanks. Heed my advice and the dark side shall set you free: Look for the trailer attached to the Blu-ray release of one of my favorite films, Bridge to Terabithia, directed by Gábor Csupó. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched that little ditty aboard my Tydirium Shuttle.   

Dear Sheev,

Is it true that Disney insisted a female direct the newest Star Wars trailer? If so, do you have any advice on how I can get on Disney’s radar to direct future trailers?

Best, K. Bigelow

Dear Biggs Darksider,

You confound me but I conferred with several Sith witches to arrive at an answer. The trailer has not been directed by a female of any humanoid or alien species. Were this the case, the clip would most certainly feature more of me. Women love me. They are drawn to me. My powers intoxicate them, and my wardrobe leaves them speechless. For this reason, I have threatened Bob Igor at Disney to put in place a woman director, preferably a beautiful woman under 65. As for advice on how to get on Disney’s radar… I AM THE RADAR. Email a headshot and body pics to thatswhatsheevsaid@gmail.com

Dear Sheev,

I heard JJ Abrams was going to be on ESPN Monday night to unveil the new trailer, and talk about his own personal experience in the world of sports. Any truth in that?

-Mr. Met

Dear Mr. Meth,

I have heard no such thing, but thank you my friend. You have provided a great many “lawls” as the royal guards say. This JJ Abrams has never been fully operational. He can barely wear a baseball hat without injuring himself. Unless ESPN is okay sharing yo-yo competition highlights, I’m afraid you are mistaken. Though if you happen upon footage of a young Abrams being blasted by dodgeballs on the playground, please send it my way. Murderball is a childhood favorite of mine. It's partly responsible for the designs of both Death Stars. Good luck in the playoffs, my young apprentice.

Dearest Sheev,

What's taking so long for this stupid trailer to arrive anyway?

-J. Trank

Dear Jank the Tank,

The Dark Side is a path to many abilities... some might consider unnatural. I have managed to sustain the life of artist Drew Struzan for many years now, but I cannot control his destiny. It appears he retires every other day, which is slowing down the marketing of the film considerably. JJ Abrams would like to release the poster alongside the trailer, which has been ready for over a month now. The Disney Empire is now considering poster that simply features the release date for the trailer, half of a new logo, and Drew Struzan's signature. I know it sounds like I am joking, but I am entirely sidious about this one. Bazinga! GOTCHA! I sidiously have no clue. HAHA!